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precipice

The following is a notes entry I wrote just over two years ago that I just found. This writing feels like a cornerstone to my life, as later that year I jumped off the mentioned springboard and for the most part the premonition came true.
Two years later I still have no idea if I’ve even landed and when I’m going to if I haven’t. I’m overall happy to say that my time now is spent more productively now, I’ve gotten better at writing, and to be cliché, while it might not have been the precipice I thought, it likely was the one I needed.

As I stand on this precipice, I realize it’s a springboard. It has the potential to contain enough kinetic energy to catapult my insecurities into a realm of placidity I previously thought unimaginable. It is up to me to determine how hard I jump on it.

I am seeking something in nothing. The simple yet overwhelming proclivity I have for obsessing over new things, and diving in as if I need to know everything leaves me with little satisfaction once I come to the conclusion that I will never know everything and quit half assed. I say this yet can only find examples to the contrary. Most of my real obsessions stick around. I’ve dedicated sizeable portions my life and tons of money to two large obsessions. Although truthfully I’m starting to lose motivation for them and it worries me, as they’ve defined myself for so long. New obsessions are healthy, and hopefully can act as this springboard.

But how to control it! Over the years I’ve seen so many other people both virtually and in reality able to just create and create, here I am diddling on my phone all day, hypnotized by simple worldly pleasures, distracted by life’s dumb problems. Made to feel as if they’re conspiring against me in an effort to prevent me from becoming successful, truthfully I know it’s myself. I fall off I need to get back on. Think creatively, live this creative lifestyle. While stopping and reflecting is helpful it’s important to continue thinking and living like an artist.

How do I actively keep this way of thinking while it’s actively being stamped out in me?

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